Thursday, December 31, 2009

Six...Yay!!! Boo!!!

Big Bear is 6 years old today. It is so hard for me to believe that she could be that old. She is changing so much - saying things that blow us away, reading everything she sees, and physically growing taller.

I was thinking a lot yesterday about her birth. She was due in late January. I went to my regular doctor appointment with my mom. We were going to go have lunch and do some shopping afterward. Instead I ended up being admitted from the hospital and having a baby the next day! She wasn't getting nutrition like she was supposed to and so they needed to go ahead and get her out.

I remember sitting in the hospital room after my mom left and before Doug got there thinking about how upset I was that it was happening this way. It was early and I wasn't mentally ready. I was disappointed that her birthday would be New Year's Eve. It is too close to Christmas!! I was worried that it would it would always get overshadowed by all of the other holiday stuff going on. My friend called me and when I told her that I was disappointed by how it was all happening, she just could not understand what I was talking about. I felt really guilty for having the feelings I was having. Of course I was happy to be having my baby. I couldn't wait to see and hold her. But it just wasn't happening the way I thought it would. It was such a mixture of emotions.

What I've come to realize is that Big Bear's whole life will be this way for me. Every event, every birthday and every milestone in her life is a mix of emotion for me. Turning 6, starting kindergarten, or losing a tooth - all are happy and normal childhood events but they are all also somewhat bittersweet for me. Every birthday makes me so sad that she is one year closer to being old enough to leave me. Every milestone is making her more independent. And while I feel those things for the other kids, I've noticed it's just not quite the same intensity as when I go through it the first time with Big Bear. Maybe that's just how it is with first children.

I am so proud of the wonderful kid she is becoming! She keeps reading things and it takes us all by surprise! The other day someone said a word, can't remember what, but she said, "Oh, that's an action word". And it was! I just can't believe how much she's learning at school! I feel so blessed to have such a great kid as my bittersweet firstborn baby!!

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