Sunday, March 25, 2007

Not around much...

I haven't been around much. Mostly because I just don't have the time. I'm working 3 jobs, raising two kids, trying to keep my house in some sort of order, and once in a while seeing my husband as we pass each other...usually in the kitchen getting something for our kids.

The other reason is quite personal but I need to let it out. I'm having something of a faith crisis. Not that I don't believe in God or anything. I'm just having a hard time feeling like He's there right now. I know that means that I am not there because He is always with us but I just don't feel it. Since Doug lost his job in '03 we have been in such financial turmoil and it just never seems to end no matter how hard I pray or try to have faith. Everyone says just have faith that God will provide and He will. I've mustered up every ounce of faith and I've really and truly believed that He would provide...but it's not working and I'm quickly losing, or have lost, that faith.

I work 2 jobs and I'm trying to start one up. Doug works 2 jobs. And we still can't pay for everything that we need. We moved a year ago and were able to pay off all of our debt. It seemed like such a blessing and I was sure things were going to turn around. So while now we can pay our bills, we can't pay our expenses so those still go on credit. Today when leaving for the grocery store, Doug gave me a new credit card to use because the one I've been using is full. I lost it. I cried the whole way to the store, off and on in the store (where of course I ran into an old friend), on the way home and after I got home. I couldn't stop. I hadn't gone to mass yet and decided I wouldn't - what is the use. It is doing me no good. Things have gotten better, but not good and definitely not okay.

I'm tired. I'm tired of working all the time. I'm tired of never having a clean house. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of not being able to spend time with my girls because I'm at work. When I am home with them it's time to cook dinner or do laundry or I have to turn around and leave to go to work somewhere or another. I'm tired of worrying about money. I'm tired of my jobs. I'm tired of weighing more than I ever have except when I've been pregnant but then when I try to do anything about it...I'm too tired to think about it or exercise.

I'm just so tired - physically and emotionally.

I did go to mass tonight. The Lord was speaking to me left and right - I saw the words but I didn't feel them. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't solve anything. Nothing has changed.

So, now I'm going to bed. I probably won't post for a while until I can get things together. I'd appreciate prayers.


Laura H. said...

I saw this earlier but wasn't sure what to say. Coming back now I still don't know what to say... except that you're in my prayers.

+Lord, give us faith. Renew us in your love. In your great mercy, have pity on us who do not (at times because we feel as though we cannot) trust as you call us to trust.

Lord, bless Stevie. Reward her efforts. Do not leave her in this time of difficulty. Be near her and make your presence known.

As always, I ask this in the name of your Son, our Lord, Jesus Christ. Amen.

Stevie said...

Thanks Laura! I appreciate it. I know the Lord is with me - I really do. I feel like He is working on my somehow right now or something. Thanks for your prayers. I need them!

Laura H. said...

I'm glad. It is often during times such as these that the Lord does the most work on my soul!

Julie D. said...

Just saw this. Boy oh boy do I know that feeling. I felt that way the entire time that Hannah was going through her thing (you know which thing I mean).

Read the Psalms some. And I am praying for you. :-)

veronica said...

Stevie, Holy Spirit come! I have been searching the google for your website, and looking everywhere on my computer, when at the exact same time, you go to my site and comment!!!

Anyhow, you are not alone.

That spinning round and round and getting nothing solved... I so know what you are talking about.
I am praying for you.

Debbie said...

Stevie -- We're all here for you. You are doing a great job and great works, whether you feel it or not. Prayers are coming your way.