I haven't been around much. Mostly because I just don't have the time. I'm working 3 jobs, raising two kids, trying to keep my house in some sort of order, and once in a while seeing my husband as we pass each other...usually in the kitchen getting something for our kids.
The other reason is quite personal but I need to let it out. I'm having something of a faith crisis. Not that I don't believe in God or anything. I'm just having a hard time feeling like He's there right now. I know that means that I am not there because He is always with us but I just don't feel it. Since Doug lost his job in '03 we have been in such financial turmoil and it just never seems to end no matter how hard I pray or try to have faith. Everyone says just have faith that God will provide and He will. I've mustered up every ounce of faith and I've really and truly believed that He would provide...but it's not working and I'm quickly losing, or have lost, that faith.
I work 2 jobs and I'm trying to start one up. Doug works 2 jobs. And we still can't pay for everything that we need. We moved a year ago and were able to pay off all of our debt. It seemed like such a blessing and I was sure things were going to turn around. So while now we can pay our bills, we can't pay our expenses so those still go on credit. Today when leaving for the grocery store, Doug gave me a new credit card to use because the one I've been using is full. I lost it. I cried the whole way to the store, off and on in the store (where of course I ran into an old friend), on the way home and after I got home. I couldn't stop. I hadn't gone to mass yet and decided I wouldn't - what is the use. It is doing me no good. Things have gotten better, but not good and definitely not okay.
I'm tired. I'm tired of working all the time. I'm tired of never having a clean house. I'm tired of worrying. I'm tired of not being able to spend time with my girls because I'm at work. When I am home with them it's time to cook dinner or do laundry or I have to turn around and leave to go to work somewhere or another. I'm tired of worrying about money. I'm tired of my jobs. I'm tired of weighing more than I ever have except when I've been pregnant but then when I try to do anything about it...I'm too tired to think about it or exercise.
I'm just so tired - physically and emotionally.
I did go to mass tonight. The Lord was speaking to me left and right - I saw the words but I didn't feel them. It didn't make me feel better. It didn't solve anything. Nothing has changed.
So, now I'm going to bed. I probably won't post for a while until I can get things together. I'd appreciate prayers.