I woke up yesterday and my head finally felt a little clearer. I started to think about something that changed my view a little bit. I need to focus on praying that God will change me - not my situation or my life. He wants to give me the strength or graces or whatever to handle what is going on in my life instead of listening to me whine and cry and begging Him to change my life. I really do try to focus on just letting Him work on me but when I get tired or stressed or overworked and I start to wallow in Woe-is-me-land. After 4 years of praying that I can handle our situation and telling myself that everything will be okay and that He will provide it just gets hard to keep up sometimes.
My mom sent me this post from Et Tu, Jen? - a blog I really like. I think she was trying to remind me just to have faith and everything will work out (or maybe she was hinting that I should have another baby????). But what frustrates me us that I feel like I have had faith and it's not working. It worked for Jen. What's wrong with me? Where is my faith going wrong? Why isn't it strong enough to work like it did for Jen? I'm always telling my husband that God will provide and that everything will work out...something will change.
I just feel so lost. I don't feel alone or abandoned by God. I know He hasn't left me and won't ever leave me. I just feel that something in me is wrong and I don't know what it is or how to change it. I am going to focus all of my prayers on trying to find the answer to this for I feel that in it will lie some peace.
I also feel like I am under very strong spiritual attack right now. I can't explain it except to say that anytime I try to do anything spiritual something gets in my way. I try to go to Stations but something comes up with the kids or family. I want to go to confession and then completely forget on Sat. afternoon. Or even today I was actually home alone for the first time in forever and I just wanted to pray the Chaplet of Divine Mercy while resting on my bed. First I could not remember the words for the life of me. I finally got into it and the doorbell rang and some guy selling magazine subscriptions interrupted my flow. Just little every day things that wouldn't matter a hill of beans until I start to put 2 and 2 together and realize that it's all working against me.
Prayers will be appreciated!