For the past few years I've had some overwhelming need or problem that I would focus on in prayer time or when reading Scripture or listening to a homily. Even up until just about a week or two ago my morning sickness consumed my spiritual life. But...my life has settled into strange and extremely unfamiliar territory for me - it's good, easy, and borderline boring! Hallelujah!!!!
I only have one part time job - teaching pre K. My kids come with me and although they are in different classrooms, I see them many times during the day - sometimes by accident and sometimes I take the longest route possible if necessary to peek into their classrooms and see what cute things they are doing. For the summer this is only 2 days a week so the other 3 days I'm home with them. It's heaven. I am loving every minute of it. The girls seem happier and sweeter and more content than I've ever seen them. My oldest, the "this is my space, do not enter it without permission" one, has been doling out hugs and affection lately like I have never seen before. My house is more straight than it's ever been because I am actually here to keep on top of it as well as the fact that it is one of my top priorities now instead of an afterthought at the end of a very long day. My mind is clearer and more focused on home and family and friends instead of being mush from thinking about one job and then the other job and then dinner and the girls schedules and on and on and on. I actually got someone a birthday card! This never happens - I usually don't even realize a birthday is coming up much less have the clarity of mind to plan a trip to get a card! Okay, okay...I've only actually been home a week! We're probably just still in the honeymoon period! I'm sure the bubble will burst with the girls, the house will revert back to it's cluttered self and birthdays will soon be forgotten again. Hey - it's nice while it lasts huh?
So, this brings me back to my spiritual problem...um, not problem - I don't have those anymore. My spiritual challenge let's say. What do I do now? How do I have prayer time if I'm not searching for answers or bugging God with my problems for the millionth time? I don't know what to read in the Bible if I'm not looking for inspiration, consolation or direction. What saints do I pray to for intercession if there's nothing wrong? I feel very conflicted actually because I do feel that my time of morning sickness brought me very close to the Lord. I recently finished a biography of Mother Angelica (which I recommend that anyone read - she's truly amazing). She has suffered a great deal and her sufferings always bring her back to a true dependence on God. When I read that it made me realize that this happened to me when I was so sick. Some days I would just lie in bed and say "Jesus, I love you - just be with me right now" over and over again because I couldn't do anything else. He was with me in a very special way and I was left with nothing but love for Him. But for some reason now that the sickness has passed, our financial situation is okay (could always be better but I'm not complaining!) and everything is settled with my work and home situation, I feel that I have nothing left to say - besides thanks and praises of course!
I'm starting out by resolving to spend time eachjavascript:void(0)
Publish Post day perusing the readings for the upcoming Sunday Mass. Since I never have a chance to actually listen to much during Mass with the kids there, I figure maybe some of the homily will sink in a little better if I'm at least familiar with the readings that are being preached about. Young Fogeys had a link for reading the Catechism in one year. So I'm also doing that as part of my prayer time - or maybe that falls more under spiritual reading. I'm hoping that all of this will lead me somewhere.
It is sort of a time of change in my life and that is always a little scary and challenging - but usually always very good and definitely a necessary part of life. Now I just need to make sure I'm keeping God in the center of my good and easy life. It seems easier for me to be close to Him when I really "need" Him. Now I need to learn just to love Him!!
3 comments:
I think it's important that we always remember to just sit and be with the Lord. He desires to be with us just as we desire to be with Him. Some of the most powerful prayer times for me have been when everything in my life has improved and I'm just there to be with the Lord and to listen. It's so easy to feel like we always need to speak in prayer but it's just not the case. We need to listen to our Love just as we need to listen to our spouse or friends.
I find that times when all of the 'outside things' are going well are often the best times for working on the 'inside things'.
.. I don't know what I'm saying. I'm having a really super hard time collecting my thoughts this morning.
This is the hardest thing for me. I want to be able to sit and be with the Lord but I just can't get there. I can't clear my mind enough. I always hear people talking about being quiet in their prayer time and just listening. I try - I don't hear anything. I get frustrated and think there is something wrong with me or that He just doesn't want to talk to me- ridiculous, I know. I'm going to try to get there. Any advice would be welcomed!
Well, for me, I can't always just "sit" and be with God. I run every day out at White Rock and it is 'God time' for me. I run and am "still". I try not to listen to too much music (sometimes I need it to give me the extra boost of energy) and I just admire God's creation and it is in those moments that He speaks to my heart.
Also, it's healthy, I think, to tell God while you're trying to be still that you are getting frustrated. Express those things to Him and then try again. Shush and listen.
I've known only a handful of people that have had 'silence in prayer' come easily. It's something I've really had to work on... and that I continue to work on!
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